3-Minute Read

“I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” I said to my mentor.

He replied, “Sweetheart, you don’t have the power to do that.”

I was confused. My whole life, I had been steeped in the notion that I “made” others feel certain ways, and vice versa. Everything in society’s conversations reinforces this:

• He makes me so mad.

• How does that make you feel?

• That makes me uncomfortable.

• I want to make you happy.

And what if that never actually happens? Your inner experience does get created, just not in the manner you’ve been led to believe. Who makes you happy? Who makes you mad?

In this issue of The Grip, we shed light on the true source of your inner experience and give you the tools necessary to intentionally cultivate and strengthen it. We introduce a practice that, if you’re willing to live in true freedom, will fortify your mental wellbeing like nothing else.

The principle today is not for the faint of heart—you may get uncomfortable, you may disagree. But before discarding it altogether, try it on, like a new coat at the store, even if it’s unlike anything you’ve tried on before. You’ll notice new things about your life—and the options that open up—from this other perspective.

Are you ready to fortify your inner game?

Let’s dive in!

CREATING MENTAL FORTITUDE

The psychologist Carl Jung said, “The psychological rule says that when an inner situation is not made conscious, it happens outside, as fate.” In other words, until you get conscious of what exactly is happening in your inner world, you will assume your inner experience is being caused by something outside of you. It will leave you with the impression of being controlled or compelled, as though you have little to no impact on your internal experience—your thoughts, moods, feelings, etc. It’s incredibly disempowering.

The common language of our day—that someone or something “makes” you feel or react a particular way—is a constant message you were literally born into; it was here long before you arrived. It’s so repeated and reinforced as “the way life is” that it’s normal to not ever question it. But for a moment, do exactly that. Question it. If no person or situation can “make” you feel anything, who or what is the source of your inner experience?

Try this on: you are the source of your inner experience—your feelings, emotions, reactions. No need to believe it; just try it on. If you are the source—the creator and author—of your inner experience, what options become available whenever you’re having an experience you don’t like?

Austrian psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl said, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” You are conscious soul; you’re not limited to mere “equal and opposite” reaction in life. You have the capacity to choose (create) your response to every event, situation, or circumstance you face.

You can live as though someone else is in charge of what’s happening inside of you, or you can take responsibility for it yourself. Those are your options. Either way, you are the decider of how it will be for you; you are the creator of your experience. Why not create an empowered one?

LANGUAGE OF RESPONSIBILITY

The #1 tool for taking responsibility for your inner experience is your language. Years ago, even though I was in full possession of everything I’m sharing today, I found myself about to blow a gasket over a situation involving a service provider who was perpetually late on deliverables and routinely out of communication about it.

My language in that moment sounded like this: “Bob is making me so mad! Why is he being this way????? He’s infuriating!!!!!!!!!” Then I heard myself, becoming aware of the disempowered experience I had been unconsciously creating through my language. So, I corrected myself. I literally said out loud, “No, Bob isn’t making me mad. I am making me mad.” I stopped creating myself as a victim and consciously took responsibility for my experience with Bob’s behavior, shifting from “My hands are tied,” to “What will I choose to do here?”

Instantly, a whole world of options opened: stay angry, let the anger go, address the unworkability, get a new service provider, etc. By acknowledging myself as the source of my experience in that moment, I was empowered to make further choices for the outcomes I desired; I was no longer beholden to Bob at all.

I was no longer stuck; I was free.

Responsibility has privileges; with it comes power to deal effectively with your life. Every place you give up responsibility, you give up that power.

This works in every area of life: at the office, at home, in traffic, on the basketball court, with the government, everywhere. Notice that nobody and no event ever pushes your buttons, because buttons don’t exist. What exist are your beliefs, learnings, expectations, perceptions, and agendas that show up in your language, through which you filter every moment of your life. Alter this language and your experience will transform.

ALTERING YOUR LANGUAGE:

Here’s a simple way to alter your language to reflect taking full responsibility for your inner world. Instead of describing your experience as “That makes me____,” say “I make me ___.” Pay attention to every expression you make regarding your internal experience throughout the day and adjust your language accordingly. The following are variations of what “I make me” statements sound like:

• That makes me angry. ➟ I feel angry.

• That makes me laugh. ➟ I find it funny.

• That makes me uncomfortable. ➟ I’m not comfortable with that.

• That makes me happy. ➟ I am happy about that.

• How does that make you feel? ➟ How do you feel?

Language is powerful. It directly shapes and colors your experience with life. Be intentional with it. When your language creates you as a victim, that will be your experience. When your language creates you as responsible, that will be your experience. And in life, you will either be responsible for your circumstances or a victim of them. You get to choose.

The real power of this principle will reveal itself the more you practice it. Practice taking full responsibility for your inner experience by altering your language of it, and pay attention to what happens to those triggers, hot buttons, or exasperating struggles as a result. Pay attention also to your sense of agency, peace of mind, and effectiveness.

The more responsibility you take for your inner world, the more your outer world becomes your playground.

Keep creating!

WHAT HAS ME INSPIRED THIS WEEK?

Who I’m learning from and the experiences impacting my own development. I find great value in them—you may as well.

HUBERMAN LAB

Dr. Ellen Langer, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Harvard University and the world’s leading researcher on the mind-body interconnection and the power our thinking has on our physical health.

This is an EXTRAORDINARY conversation filled with insight for self-mastery. Dr. Langer explains how specific ways of framing and asking questions about the world shape our physical health and rate of aging. Pure gold!